@QwertyJones3
@whatmaddness I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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@whatmaddness 
@Reverend_Scott Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
@david8hughes Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
@disco_bird For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
@better_off_dad2 It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
@Bob_Heller Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
@causticbob Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
@PetrickSara Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
@PeaceInTruth1 Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
@huntigula Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”