The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.


Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.


Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.


For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.


It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.


Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.


Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.


Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213


Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone


Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”