@QwertyJones3

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

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@whatmaddness

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

@Reverend_Scott

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

@david8hughes

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

@disco_bird

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

@better_off_dad2

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@causticbob

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

@PetrickSara

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

@PeaceInTruth1

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

@huntigula

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”