The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady