The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
You Might Also Like
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
had to share :’)
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no