The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
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Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?