The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall