The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The options really are this bad
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.