The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
#winning
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I beg your pardon?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Shoo shoo! 😂
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it