The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
You Might Also Like
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
birds and squirrels envy us
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way