The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I really had high hopes for this year though
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.