The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.