The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.