The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Support your local cemetery
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.