The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?


Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.



{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?


If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.


Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.


7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.


if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.


My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot


This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.