@JesKeepSwimming

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

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@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

@krisv_723

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

@chuuew

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

@megan_thescript

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

@ShootyDoody

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

@smilely_gal

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

@RiotGrlErin

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

@kevinthedad

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

@

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.