@permawedgie

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

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@PoodleSnarf

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

@adult_keverage

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

@BDublicious

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

@ChefRonSullivan

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

@AIanHangover

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

@AngryRaccoon2

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

@WilliamAder

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

@neiltyson

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

@lilnatebigworld

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*