The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?



Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!


Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.


I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.


Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.


True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.


The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants


There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.


Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.


I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”


“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*