the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
His flabber was gasted 😂
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
