The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Admin smashed it 😂
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.