the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My patience has stretch marks.