the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
This is always good for a laugh.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
My neck my back my allergy attack
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”