The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
liiiiiiiiike
The government even made aliens boring