The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”![]()
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill![]()
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here