The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
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“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?