The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??