The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Life with a cat in one tweet
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn