The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.


There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.


I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.


if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.


It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being


Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.


Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?


According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.