The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
no regrets
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?