Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god