The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
The hardest thing Vision has to do
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.