[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it
[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!