The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
inventing words: clothing