@OtherDanOBrien [a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
@GabbbarSingh The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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@OtherDanOBrien 
@onthemauve the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
@markedly Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
@_Water_Baby A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
@jifrulz Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
@Bandersnaaatch I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
@SavoirFail Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
@DairylandDon Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
@ojedge DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
@TitaniumToplass The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!