The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
never forget
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.