The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

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I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady


Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!


Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.


A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.


Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,


My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.


Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.


I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.


Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.