The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
You can’t outrun your problems…
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”