The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.