Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

You can’t outrun your problems…

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”