The only equipped I am is ill.
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FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.