The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?