The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

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If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?


Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”


Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.


They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.


My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.


Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.


I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.


I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.


Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks


Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament