The only good comments section online is on recipes
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
This kid is a star!
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.