The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I can’t be the only one 😂
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.