Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

I came this close!!!!

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

I used to be married, but I’m better now

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.