The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up