The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
You Might Also Like
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.