The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
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German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Why are bridges so flammable.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.