The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.