The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️