the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.