the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car