The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )