the only organized thing in my life is crime
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Why is everyone getting married at me
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle