The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.