The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I wish this was real life…
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]