The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Smooooooth
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed