The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face