The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
This made me chuckle.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Everything reminds me of my ex
#Caturday
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare