The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My neck my back my allergy attack
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.