The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

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Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”


I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.


[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]


Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”


You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?


[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best


I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills


Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.