The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.