@WineMummy

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

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@AaronFullerton

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@lillydancyger

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

@texasstalkermom

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

@liljonlovitz

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

@Smooheed

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

@Pandamoanimum

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.