The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day