The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
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The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
every college guy’s fridge
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Somebody call the cops.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.