The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut