The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.