The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
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As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*