The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg