the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.