The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.